And fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).
Paul warns parents, and fathers primarily, to beware of an outcome which is wrong and unwanted—a child provoked to anger—rather than children obedient to their parents in the Lord, which is right (Ephesians 6:1).
The anger provoked by a parent may range from an outward rebellion to an inward, seething bitterness in the child.
The warning against provoking to anger does not mean that a parent will never displease or act contrary to the will of the child, for that would contradict the 2nd directive to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”. Hebrews 12:11 clarifies that “all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful”.
In his companion teaching in Colossians 3:21 Paul warns, “Fathers, do not exasperateyour children, that they may not lose heart”. The unwanted outcome is a child who has come to the futile conclusion, “What’s the use? Whatever I do, I displease Dad”. Such a child may offer outward obedience, but with no heart in it.
The issue for Paul is this: as they exercise their authority, fathers need to take care to remember the nature of their responsibility and that there is an important relationship on the line that they ought to take care not to ruin.
The proper exercise of parental authority is not merely to enforce your rank and demand your rights. It is to nurture a relationship, the relationship in which your child’s nurture is to take place. It is not to lord over them, but to love over them. You are responsible to use your rank to carry out an affectionate resolve to do your child good. Your authority ought to have a heart. To evaluate your parenting, rather than asking, “Am I getting the respect I deserve?” focus instead on questions like, “Am I leading with the love I owe? and “How’s the relationship going?”
“Authority must have a friendly face. Authority must have a rewarding hand. If we forget friendship with our children, we forfeit authority. If we forfeit integrity, we forfeit authority (Charles Spurgeon).” When Spurgeon says, “we forfeit”, he does not mean we are excused from our responsibility or absolved or our accountability, but that we have squandered and badly misused our authority.
“The parental reign is not one of terror and stern authority, but of love (John Eadie).”
